12 Things to Decide Before Getting Married

Before you get married and as a newlywed, everyone from your uncle to your classmate’s best friend will tease you about the easiness of marriage when you are a honeymooner. You’ll get newlywed jokes for the first few years, at least. These jokes may imply that the beginnings of marriage are easy, however to put it frankly, it’s not. It’s wonderful, believe me. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But it’s not always rainbows and sunshine. Making two lives into one was never easy.

However I’m a big believer in making decisions about your life, especially about your marriage, in advance. Deciding on the important things with your spouse before you tie the knot will make your transition a little less painful when the heat is on and a lot more stress free when it really counts.

Plan a date night (or multiple) and discuss the following topics with your sweetheart:

12 Things to decide on as a couple before you get married

1. Life goals, individually and as a couple.
2. Old and new traditions.
3. What kind of media you will have in your home (movies, video games, music, etc.)
4. How you will spend holidays.
5. How you will budget and manage your money together.
6. What you will value spiritually as a family.
7. The significance and role of intimacy in your marriage.
8. Standards for cleanliness in the home.
9. Goals for how you will resolve conflict.
10. Educational aspirations.
11. Career aspirations for each spouse.
12. How the children will be reared.

Comment below and tell me what else you think a couple should discuss before marriage!

When love isn't about romance.

   

     When my husband and I were dating he told me he loved me first. My stomach didn't do flips or fill itself with butterflies. However my heart did fill with peace and I felt more loved than I had previously believed I deserved. He and I both knew that I wasn't ready to say that to him yet, so I just smiled, hugged him, and said "I know."

     In English we have one word for love…love. We have a few other words that mean similar things or are components of love, but love is the overarching word that we use to describe most good feelings.

     I'm a big fan of romance...but not in a Nicholas Sparks' love story, passion-filled sort of way. While we dated Kyle left notes on my doorstep almost every morning and melted my little heart. We had fun and enjoyed each other, but life also threw us some hard days. When we were engaged, we knew that getting married to each other was the best choice we could both make and we loved each other very much. We were happy, but life was hard. Since we’ve been married, we’ve had more joy than we both believed we could have or deserve, but we’ve also had our share of tough days.

     The truth is that joy and happiness didn’t just happen. We didn’t simply fall in love and become really happy because we were finally in love and all of the sudden it was all okay. We have found joy and happiness in our relationship because of the difficulties that we overcame separately and together. We are grateful for the hard days or weeks or months that we’ve had because when finally resolved, they have brought us closer than we ever could have been because of a few happy moments.

In the Greek language there are four words for love:

Eros is romantic or sexual love.
Philia is the kind of love between friends who take care of each other.
Storge is the love that a parent has for a child.
Agape is the kind of love that motivates us to improve another’s life.

     One way to jip yourself, your partner, and your relationship is to focus completely on eros. Love is and can be so much more than romance. It is about going to get some socks for your wife because her feet are cold. It is about rubbing your husband's back because he's had a really hard day. It is about letting your wife cry on your shoulder for the third time this week for a reason that even she doesn't know. It's about listening to your spouse share their hurt feelings without taking personal offense. It's about digging a smile out of the one you love when things aren't going right for either one of you.

     Relationships are hard, marriage is hard, and most of all life is hard. We can't fix everything, but we can bring joy, peace, hope, and love to the ones whom we choose to love the most.

Desperately Lacking Peace

If you’re anything like me, you look at the news and it makes you cringe. There's a new shooting every few days or weeks. There's a growing disrespect for police and military. I have a growing distrust of politicians and their morals that are nowhere to be found. There are stories about the unspeakable being done to children on a daily basis. Our laws are being changed to fit our lifestyles, not our lifestyles requiring us to live up to the law. Another friend is getting divorced after years of what seemed like a great marriage. There have always been issues in the world, but I'm not sure there have ever been quite so many. 

25% of children in white families grow up in a single parent household in the United States. 42% of Hispanic or Latino children grow up with only one parent in the home. 67% of African American children grow up in a single parent household.

From what I have observed, a major contributor to our pains and struggles in society are due to the fact that we are full of broken marriages and broken families. We don’t have the stability and the support systems that we used to. Children grow up without present fathers and oddly don’t know how to have respect for authority or what it means to be responsible for a family. Children grow up without mothers and they don’t know how to be nurturing or understanding of other’s needs. They don’t know how to look outside themselves and take care of those around them.

Having a mother and a father is one of the biggest advantages a child can have. By watching their parents they learn what marriage really is. They learn how to put someone else before themselves. They learn how to rely on someone else and how to be there for someone else. Having siblings teaches children how to be respectful to the people around them. They learn how to interact with their peers and that they can have a positive or negative influence on the lives of those around them. They learn how to love others unconditionally.

I’m not naïve enough to think that these issues can be solved quickly or that because I know these thing are important, they can be easily fixed. In most cases, it is what it is. You have the family you have and there isn’t a whole lot you can do to fix what has already been broken.

My suggestion is this: Let’s start where we are. Let’s be kind to the ones we do have. Let’s be grateful for the ones we do have, and let them know it. Let’s forgive each other for where we are lacking and move forward by trying to be a little better. Teach your children to love each other. Teach your children how to love and be kind by loving them and being kind to them.

We can’t fix everything, but we can work on our own homes and we can work on our own families. We can bring peace there, and in turn bring a little more peace to our world that is in desperate need of it.

Make Them Proud

This week in my Family Relations class we discussed the cultural differences of families. Every family is so different, and for so many reasons! It could be an ethnic background, where they were raised, how many kids are in the family, extended family, socio-economic status, religion, education levels, and so much more.

I watched a video about a family with a single mom and two kids. They lived in a really low income area of Ohio and they were extremely poor. I could tell that the family loved each other, but they were lacking a lot more than money. They were a bit broken by their lack of resources and I believe it took a toll on their relationships. The sons didn’t have a great deal of respect for their mom, who did the best that she could, but was still lacking some. The mother hoped to do much better, and carried her dreams for a better life with her daily. The sons didn’t believe in her dreams and they ended up following in her footsteps.

This family, and many others like it beg the question, why are we this way and what can be done? According to many studies, children are highly likely to follow in their parents footsteps in many ways, whether they recognize it or not. Parents love their children and they love their own parents. I think in many ways children hope that they will become at least a little bit like their own parents (because “hey, I turned out okay!”) But many also move forward with ideas of how they are going to be different.

The mother in this video explained that she grew up in a home with twenty-two children. She said that if her daddy saw her now and what she had made of her life, he would be proud. So I think that’s it. I think along with trying the best we can and learning from our parents, the best thing we can do is try to make them proud. We can try to do a little better and be a little better, but most of all, make our children proud to call us their parents. 

3 Traditions Your Family Should Start Now

1. Eat Dinner as a Family 

Prepare a meal. Even better if you make it together! Most families are too busy or just don’t make the time to stop and eat together. While I was growing up back home it was always a blessing to know that most nights we’d come together as a family and at least have some time where we could all be together and check in with each other. Life gets busy. If we let it pass by without stopping to be together, the kids will be grown up and gone before you’ve had a chance to stop, eat dinner together, and ask them about their day. 

2. Monthly/Bi-Monthly Interviews

Families should always be taking time to talk about life, but realistically (as previously mentioned) life gets busy. We get caught up in all of our responsibilities and the day to day grind. Children need to know that their parents are paying attention to them and want to hear about their days and their lives. If a child doesn’t feel like mom and dad are interested in what they have to say, they’ll stop sharing very quickly. Take some time. Ask about school. Ask about their friends. Ask about their frustrations. Ask about their interests. Discuss their fears. Discuss how they might solve their problems. They need you more than you think they do. 

3. Weekly Family Nights

Designate one night a week to spend an hour or so as a family. Plan ahead and get everyone involved. Learn a new skill together. Go for a family bike ride. Do service for someone you know is in need like raking your neighbors’ leaves. Make a new dessert together. Get in teams and come up with skits. Play some board games. Build memories together that your children will end up treasuring more than any big family vacation to Disney or fancy Christmas toys.